Sunday 8 September 2013

Adventurer's Log #3: Miss S is Overwhelmed at Church

You know that awkward moment when you step into a room full of people you don't know?  You feel kind of like the "uncool" kid in the school cafeteria.  You need to sit somewhere, but you don't know where to sit?  And you're aware that you're uncool, so of course you figure no one would want you to come sit with them?

Yeah, that's me :)

I walked to church this morning, stepped into the sanctuary and looked desperately around for somewhere to sit.  I didn't see anyone I knew (which makes sense since this was only the second time I had been to this church).  I spotted a completely empty pew and slid in.  I then proceeded to read the bulletin about five times, not wanting to look as lonely and insecure and so obviously "new" as I felt.

To be honest, you would think I should be an old hand at this new girl stuff.  I mean, I'm the person who went to nine different schools from Kindergarten to Grade 12.  I have lived in nine different villages/towns/cities (that isn't counting the fact that I have lived in some of those places as many as three times).  I have technically called twenty-two different residences home.  And I'm only twenty-seven.

If any one should be able to embrace the new kid persona and work it, it should be me.

Right?

You would think that.  But the fact is I haven't.  Life has been so transient for me over the last few years that it seems as if just when I'm getting ready to relinquish that role I move to a new place.

And that is really hard.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been trying to adjust to the way my life is now.  And that is hard.

I had a dream last night that I woke up from crying.  I felt sick to my stomach and like my world had crashed around me.  I knew it was just a dream, but the last few hours of my sleep were restless as I tried to overcome that.  This meant I was drained before I even started my day.

I also decided to take yesterday off from schoolwork (if you call adjusting slightly my History 12 class for Monday not doing work).  I had family visiting.  I had to do my first trip to the Laundromat (which was strangely a lot of fun).  I decided that when I get lonely I just may have to go and do laundry--the lady working there was just so friendly!!!! 

But this meant I had stuff hanging over me to do today.  See, I like to overplan, and plan in advance, because then I can tweak and adjust my lessons as needed.  It was this tweaking that I needed to do.

The reason I tell you all of this is so that you know the frame of mind I am in when I go to church. 

If I were to be brutally honest, I was dreading going (and I really don't like admitting that).  But, for anyone who followed my Annals of a Christian Single blog, you know that church has held some struggles and difficulties for me.  For those who are new, suffice to say there has been hurt.  There has also been healing, but I'm afraid I am overly cautious, and sometimes very cynical, when I step into a church.

We were on the last song before the sermon when it felt like I was hit by a brick wall (I have been hit by these and legitimately know what this is like :) ).  I have discovered that I have this knack of not going to God when I get overwhelmed.  For some reason, it is like I forget that He is constant and faithful, and that my struggles are never overwhelming for Him.  Or maybe it is because going to Him means admitting to myself that I can't handle what I'm dealing with.  Since we're going with honesty, it is probably the latter.

The song was called "Overcome" and it was the only song we sang that I actually recognized.  The word "Overcome" really stuck with me.  See, that's how I have been feeling.  Like I'm overcome with everything.  It's not that teaching is too much for me, or that moving to a new place is too much, it's that I have this expectation of myself that I have to be perfect at everything right off the bat.  And because I know how completely flawed and imperfect I am, I'm overcome with knowledge that I will never attain those expectations.  I'm not going to be the perfect teacher who knows everything because this is only my second year teaching (and only my first year since actually finishing school). 

I've been overcome with the feeling that no one will really want to be my friend here.  I have become convinced that I'm the dorky, awkward, "uncool" kid in the school cafeteria.

And in one moment all of those overwhelming feelings were overcome with Someone else.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt the presence of God is such a real, tangible way.  But today I did.

It didn't stop there, though.  In the few minutes between when the kids were released for Sunday School and before the sermon, the pastor's wife got up from where she was sitting, found me, and sat with me.

The pastor's wife.

Sat with me.

Huh?

She wanted to introduce me to a couple sitting in the pew.  She wanted to make sure I could get connected to people.

She cared enough that she made a conscientious effort.

For me.

And how do I repay her?

You probably guessed it.

I burst into tears. 

You know what she did?

She listened.  She understood.  She prayed with me.  She gave me a hug.

She cared.

As I am writing this I'm about ready to start crying again.

I walked back home and prepared for what I thought was a mountain of planning that I would need to get through.  But guess what?  It wasn't all that big.  And now I'm done it.

Today, God took all of my feelings of defeat, of insecurity, of suffocation, and He overwhelmed them.  He overwhelmed all that has been overwhelming me.

I don't understand it.  I don't deserve it.  But I am ever so thankful for it.

So here's to another week.  A week of superheroes in poetry, of making friends, and of visiting the Laundromat.

Here's to a week of allowing God to continue to overwhelm all that threatens to overcome me.

1 comment:

  1. Wow - sounds like you hit the jackpot with the Pastors wife! She sounds amazing and I hope the church is just what you need. I love reading your blog. Missing you! Connie

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